This week was my birthday. I’m not big on celebrations, but I do value meaningful traditions. So, about three or four years ago, I started a little birthday ritual I call my “Birthday Resolutions.” (In lieu of New Year’s resolutions. It’s close enough to New Year’s and it’s a bit more personal, which works so much better for me.) Every year on my birthday, I write a letter. I celebrate highlights from the previous year and then include my prayers, hopes and resolutions for the upcoming year. Before I write the new letter, however, I take time to read my letter from the previous year, just as a means of remembering where I was and (hopefully) recognizing where I’ve come.
I was a bit apprehensive this year about reading my letter from from 2013. That letter was written in the midst of a figurative tsunami and I honestly couldn’t remember what I had written. To my astonishment, it was surprisingly positive, upbeat even, with a keen sense of expectancy and hope in the midst of some pretty terrible circumstances. And then I realized – that was before the real wave hit. Before I got tossed under the proverbial bus, torn down and ripped to shreds. True enough, by that time I was unraveling at all seams and headed for a major collapse. But it was in the months that followed that I would be told I was just ” so smart and so confident” and that I made certain people “feel stupid.” (Strange how being smart and confident are usually considered attributes. Unless your a female – then they’re an indictment. But I digress.) I had to experience the pleasure of public knock-downs and private eviscerations. It was after my birthday letter that I was told I was being deliberately “beat down” as a means “putting me in my place.”
Before I go any further, allow me to stay that include this information for one reason: because it relates directly to the internal process of which I am writing about. Sometimes being vague is enough. And sometimes it’s not. In this case, these few details are the supreme catalyst for a period of personal transformation and that is why I am sharing them. It is not, in any way, a pointed finger or an attempt to uncover any particular person. There are enough of those king of blogs out there and I have no wish to participate in that. (It’s not my job to throw stones.) However, this is part of my journey and, therefore, it’s included. Please read nothing into except that.
Despite the craziness of this situation, I am (thankfully!) able to look back over this past year and rejoice. I’ve added one year to my age but I feel like I’ve added a lifetime of wisdom. Wisdom I hope I will be able to live out in the years to come.
There are a million things I could include here, countless lessons that would take pages and pages. But I won’t. (Those will be the blogs that follow.) Today it is enough to simply talk about one thing: God is a God of restoration.
Seems simply enough. And we’ve heard it a million times. We can recite scripture upon scripture about it. But until we have to walk through something that both breaks us and reveals our brokenness, we don’t really comprehend this.
Over the past year, my greatest challenge has been in this arena. I found myself in a place where I wasn’t being corrected for something I had done, but being chastised for who I was. While I have faced similar challenges previously, nothing compared to this. I was suddenly confronted with a gut-wrenching question: is there something wrong with me?
The answer to that question is a resounding No. I am strong, I am opinionated, I am smart. I think quickly and know what I believe (and what I want). I have a strong sense of justice and I am not easily coerced into doing things I don’t want to. I can hold my own.
Of course, that’s not to say I don’t have my issues. I do – and plenty of them. Sometimes I move too fast. I see the goal more than I see people. I isolate. I come off intimating and unapproachable. There are more that can be added but the point is that I am aware.
The problem is that we begin to look at our weaknesses (and the weaknesses of others) and feel compelled to “fix” them. We are all broken – that’s the nature of sin. Our response is to fix everything. Yet, we don’t serve a God who “fixes” us, we serve a God who restores us.
This is more than semantics, and is crucial to our understanding of how the Father works in the lives of his children. Anyone can “fix” something; only a master can restore.
This is best demonstrated in the world of art. Let’s say you have a Van Gogh piece in need of repair. Age and life have caused some cracks, some dings or simply dried it out. It’s still masterpiece but it requires attention. Anyone can walk up to it and slap a layer of clear coat on it and walk away saying, “Fixed!” And that may work…for a time.
But a master – someone skilled in the art of restoration – would do no such thing. To the contrary, He would spend time evaluating the damage and assessing the proper means of full restoration. He will slowly and gently clean the piece before applying anything to it. This can take months, years even! And only then will He will begin applying whatever needs to be applied.
In a less poetic way, anyone can wrap duct tape around a broken pipe and “fix” a water problem. But we all know how that eventually turns out. If you want to do it right (and prevent further damage to your home), you call a repair man who comes and actually repairs the damage.
This is such an important lesson for us as believers. God is not into duct taping our souls. (We’re the ones who do that…) It’s not that we’re not broken and in need of repair. We are. We ALL are. We are all broken. And we all break. But the LORD of Heaven’s goal is not to fix us; His will is to repair us. Restore us. Renew us.
This revelation changed so much for me. First, I have nothing to apologize for in who I am. (No one does. Psalm 139 says He is the one who knit us together. He made us the way we are!) And for those parts of us that require attention, He lovingly and painstakingly restores us. (Psalm 23). Beyond that, He actually bears these burdens of ours. He took them upon Himself, which is why it matters so very much to Him.
I’m through with the “fix it” mentality. I want to be a restorer. A reconciler. A repairer. Whatever that looks like, that’s it. It took walking through a whole heap of wreckage to get to this point but I’m thankful for it. And, I pray, a whole heap wiser because of it.
My prayer today is Psalm 138 (emphasis mine):
I will give You thanks with all my heart;
I will sing praises to You before the gods.
I will bow down toward Your holy temple
And give thanks to Your name for Your lovingkindness and Your truth;
For You have magnified Your word according to all Your name.
On the day I called, You answered me;
You made me bold with strength in my soul.
All the kings of the earth will give thanks to You, O Lord,
When they have heard the words of Your mouth.
And they will sing of the ways of the Lord,
For great is the glory of the Lord.
For though the Lord is exalted,
Yet He regards the lowly,
But the haughty He knows from afar.
Though I walk in the midst of trouble, You will revive me;
You will stretch forth Your hand against the wrath of my enemies,
And Your right hand will save me.
The Lord will accomplish what concerns me;
Your lovingkindness, O Lord, is everlasting;
Do not forsake the works of Your hands.
Quixotic Miss 